I am a man

When I am alone, I am particularly afraid of loneliness. When I am a group of people, I particularly hate noise. Sometimes I enjoy the loneliness of loneliness and the chaos of noise. Now I am like looking for a quiet place, sitting in a small courtyard where the autumn wind is slowly watching the change of time of the day, and savoring the changes in the hot and cold of the day. Feeling the wind blowing by my ears, leaves falling from the corners of my eyes, the roses on the fence have withered for some time, and the flowers are only scattered with green leaves swaying in the wind. Occasionally, a few sparrows flew over from nowhere and landed on the persimmon tree in the middle of the yard. The chirps kept screaming. At this time, the persimmon tree did not know when there was already a branch and only left. The lower branches were hung with red, green and green fruits. From a distance, they looked like small lanterns hanging on the branches, swaying from side to side with the wind.

Recently I have become more and more fond of remembering the past. I am immersed in the memories of the past for a long time and can’t extricate myself. Is it because the past is too beautiful or the current unsatisfactory? I don’t know, I only know that the depression in my heart is getting deeper and deeper. The stronger, I really want to get drunk, and forget about the love, hatred, sorrow and reunion, and the warmth and coldness of this world. It is good to spend this boring and sad life quietly in a small world. When I was a child, I was a lonely person, maybe I have this cold temperament from my bones, so no matter how I decorate and please me in the future, I can’t change that and indifferent personality. Dad used to say that I must learn to change, at least learn to please myself, even in lifeIf you are boring, you should also have fun in your life. At that time, I always felt that my father was too nagging and kept thinking about me. What was wrong with my character, but I was quieter than others, and looked a little sadder than others. Although my life is not very colorful, I have lived very self and happy for the past two decades. I don’t know when, my life has returned to the singularity of my childhood. When I don’t have any work or rest, I like to close myself in the house, let the noise of the outside fill the whole room, and the laughter from outside rippling in my ears, I will not step out of the room. Incorporate into them. I would quietly read a book or type out one by one with the keyboard to record my peaceful life. Sometimes I would turn off all the lights in the room and pull down all the curtains. Only the computer screen in the room is there. Glittering ghostly green light came out, then I felt that my world had become abundance, flesh and blood became alive. I enjoy the quiet time of being alone, just like I would once bring out a chair, sitting quietly under the eaves, looking at the huge yard in a daze, my home lives in the westernmost part, and there is always no obstruction to the line of sight. Seeing out is far, far away, even pedestrians on the road sometimes can see clearly through the fence. Sometimes the parents are busy for a long time and will not be there. Only the grandpa will act in the huge yard. Sometimes he will grow vegetables in the back yard, sometimes he will trim the persimmon tree in the corner, and sometimes he will give the door. The jujube tree in front of him fights medicine, sometimes he will be in poor health. Lying in the east bedroom without coming out all day, some weeds would grow wildly in that big yard at that time. Because the front yard was occupied by people and people often moved, the ground had become hard and solid, and the backyard was in a state of being abandoned all year round. In some days, if you don’t take care of it, a lot of weeds will grow out, adding a touch of desolate beauty to the big yard. I like that scene very much. Just watching the sun setting sun quietly watching those weeds change in the afterglow The color, swaying with the night wind, feels very beautiful. If grandpa gets better, he won’t be able to stay idle. He has to eradicate all the weeds that grow out. At the beginning, I will not stop him from removing the weeds. After all, there are places where the weeds appear, such as the autumn chrysanthemum and begonia in mother All became haggard. Sometimes I will follow my grandfather around in the yard, and after following his busy body, my grandfather will turn around and ask me a few words, girl, what do you want to plant in this yard? You can plant it now. , What do you want to grow, grandpa will go to the market tomorrow to buy seeds, and my grandpa will plant it. Even though I lived in the country back then, I couldn’t even distinguish between grass and seedlings, let alone cabbage and green vegetables, so I never expressed my opinion on what vegetables to grow, because I had never seen what they looked like. I can’t talk about what I like. If I want to say I like it, I hope Grandpa can not get rid of the weeds that grow out. But I dare not, I am afraid that grandpa will say that I am a stupid kid! The time I spent with my grandfather was that he was busy and I was in a daze. He might have been used to my dull personality. He always took me out many times. For the big fair, Grandpa will always know it clearly. He wakes me up from bed early in the morning and takes me to the fair. At that time, I simply thought that grandpa likes fun. He knew a lot of people. Everywhere he went, a lot of people would know him and greet him. Sometimes I would be asked a few words along the way. Grandpa would always be very proud. Said: My granddaughter, come to accompany me on summer vacation. Every time those grandpa’s friends would greet me a few words, some praise me for being beautiful, some praise me for being sensible. I always smile and simply say to those strangers: good grandparents, good uncles and aunts, nothing else. Grandpa would always tell me after those people left, what kind of person is that old person and what kind of relatives he has with our family? That young man married a wife this year. The wife belongs to your grandma’s house. Grandpa always Know many, many things. Every time he talks, I feel that his face seems to be getting younger, very lively, like a seventy-year-old man. Sometimes when I see the white hair that can’t be covered under my grandpa’s hat, I will feel full of distress at that time. He must have suffered a lot when he was young, and suffered a lot of injuries. Dad said that his parents died early when he was a child. When he was very young, he followed his sister to beg for food. He has been living a life of precariousness, clothing and food. Grandpa has never complained of bitterness. He went to work as an apprentice, and later engaged in construction, carpentry, and design. He did everything. I remember that a lot of furniture in my house was made by Grandpa, and my bookcases, cupboards, tables and chairs were all made by him. He often uses the skin of a plant to weave me into a small gourd that can be used as crickets. Sometimes he can use corn stalks to stab me out of a small person. In short, he can make various changes. Plant something out. When my parents were busy when I was young, I would arrogantly ask them to send me to Grandpa’s side. Grandma passed away early, and grandpa guarded a large yard and a dozen large houses alone. When I was away, I didn’t know how Grandpa lived through that monotonous life day after day. He looked very happy every time I came back, and he showed me all the snacks and fruits he had prepared. I haven’t seen what kind of fruit in the city, and haven’t eaten what kind of fruit, but he always leaves me what he thinks is the best. He would ask me to cook, and he would give me a lot of delicious noodles, and I would not go back every time I made them. It’s very lively and lively, like a seventy-year-old man. Sometimes when I see the white hair that can’t be covered under my grandpa’s hat, I will feel full of distress at that time. He must have suffered a lot when he was young, and suffered a lot of injuries. Dad said that his parents died early when he was a child. When he was very young, he followed his sister to beg for food. He has been living a life of precariousness, clothing and food. Grandpa has never complained of bitterness. He went to work as an apprentice, and later engaged in construction, carpentry, and design. He did everything. I remember that a lot of furniture in my house was made by Grandpa, and my bookcases, cupboards, tables and chairs were all made by him. He often uses the skin of a plant to weave me into a small gourd that can be used as crickets. Sometimes he can use corn stalks to stab me out of a small person. In short, he can make various changes. Plant something out. When my parents were busy when I was young, I would arrogantly ask them to send me to Grandpa’s side. Grandma passed away early, and grandpa guarded a large yard and a dozen large houses alone. When I was away, I didn’t know how Grandpa lived through that monotonous life day after day. He looked very happy every time I came back, and he showed me all the snacks and fruits he had prepared. I haven’t seen what kind of fruit in the city, and haven’t eaten what kind of fruit, but he always leaves me what he thinks is the best. He would ask me to cook, and he would give me a lot of delicious noodles, and I would not go back every time I made them. It looks very lively and lively, like a seventy-year-old man. Sometimes when I see the white hair that can’t be covered under my grandpa’s hat, I will feel full of distress at that time. He must have suffered a lot when he was young, and suffered a lot of injuries. Dad said that his parents died early when he was a child. When he was very young, he followed his sister to beg for food. He has been living a life of precariousness, clothing and food. Grandpa has never complained of bitterness. He went to work as an apprentice, and later engaged in construction, carpentry, and design. He did everything. I remember that a lot of furniture in my house was made by Grandpa, and my bookcases, cupboards, tables and chairs were all made by him. He often uses the skin of a plant to weave me into a small gourd that can be used as crickets. Sometimes he can use corn stalks to stab me out of a small person. In short, he can make various changes. Plant something out. When my parents were busy when I was young, I would arrogantly ask them to send me to Grandpa’s side. Grandma passed away early, and grandpa guarded a large yard and a dozen large houses alone. When I was away, I didn’t know how Grandpa lived through that monotonous life day after day. He looked very happy every time I came back, and he showed me all the snacks and fruits he had prepared. I haven’t seen what kind of fruit in the city, what kind of fruit I haven’t eaten, but he always recognizes him Leave it to me for the best. He would ask me to cook, and he would give me a lot of delicious noodles, and I would not go back every time I made them.

Now every time I go home and go back to that huge house, I never see Grandpa’s busy figure walking around by my side anymore, and no dad is always nagging in my ears, what should I do? In life, treat yourself well. The relatives around me left me one by one, leaving me forever without a word of explanation. Going back to the place where my grandfather lived, sitting under the eaves, watching the wild grass growing as tall as one person grows like crazy. With the wind of early autumn, the sadness of the setting sun is like a painting, but painting There is an elderly and a middle-aged person missing, and two of my favorite people and the person who loves me the most are missing. The wind is still blowing, and those weeds are withering and growing, falling and coming out day after day, year after year, just like that, year after year, why can’t the two people I love be the same as the weeds When spring comes, I will live in this world again.

Now I seem to be riding a tiger. I want to leave Shanghai but I have too many ties here. I want to let go of this bustling metropolis, but I don’t know where I can be accommodated. In my grade, I’m talking about Life and death are too early, life is too light to be downcast, and there is no expectation of retirement and old-age care. This is wasting years, and toasting with those who love wine. Sometimes I can’t find the meaning of being alive, and I can’t find a reason to make myself happy. I always feel that life owes me an explanation, maybe I owe life an apology. In short, we owe each other, and neither of us has received any kindness. If I can reincarnate, I don’t want to be a human in the next life. I just want to grow unscrupulously like those weeds in my grandfather’s yard, and then slowly wither and die with the baptism of the years. It’s too much to be a human being in this life, and I didn’t find the joy of being a human being.

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